Wednesday, 22 December 2010

Beastie Boys

At Christmas, the Beastie Boys like to dress in dirty red rags, sneak into their local orphanage late at night and whisper into the ears of the sleeping children: "farewell to joy..."

Sunday, 19 December 2010


Imagine coming home from work one evening to find MF DOOM sprawled on your bed, oiled up and completely naked but for half a strawberry placed upon each nipple. You'd shit.

Thursday, 16 December 2010

Lars Von Trier

If you are unfortunate enough to be attacked by Lars Von Trier, the first thing to remember is not to panic. The second thing to remember is to punch him in the nose as hard as you can. Then he'll go away.

Or at least, that's what the Scarborough Tourist Bureau would like you to believe. The reality is, should you be attacked by an angry Lars Von Trier, you have only three seconds to live, if you're lucky. He'll probably toy with you for a few minutes before yanking your head from your shoulders so fast that you'll actually be able to watch your own death!

Monday, 13 December 2010

Miles Davis

All hail Miles Davis! Corrupter of Men! Eater of Sins! Lord of the Flesh! The time of his reign is nigh!

Friday, 10 December 2010

Scott Walker

Why has Scott Walker been so elusive for the past 30-some years? Why, because he's been busy in the kitchen, of course, perfecting recipes for his own line of instant noodles! When the brand is launched early next year, expect to see evergreen classics such as Spicy Curry, Tomato & Herb and Chilli Beef nestling up to more idiosyncratic concoctions like Jellied Cheese, Barbecue Plastic and Stinking Boys. What a crazy guy!

"Why is he doing this?" says Strike Furter, CEO of Pott Walker Ltd. "Simple. Mr Walker loves two things: instant noodle products, and quality.

"During the recording of Scott 4, he was rarely more than 6 feet away from a steaming bowl of ramen. On his last two records, Tilt and The Drift, Mr Walker pushed music to its limits with astonishing leaps of the imagination and a dogged pursuit of perfection.

"Now he wants to do the same for dehydrated snack foods."

Tuesday, 7 December 2010


I don't want you playing with Coldcut ever again. They're a bad influence.

Saturday, 4 December 2010

David Cronenberg

Who is the real David Cronenberg? No-one knows. Some say he exists only as a name, a mantle passed on from father to son, that he may continue to strike fear into the hearts of generations; and that his evil is so strong that the worthiest of men, upon assuming his identity, will go on to visit upon the world horrors more terrible than did even those who preceded him.

Wednesday, 1 December 2010


See, I've got nothing against Madlib exactly. But all the midnight digging gets on your tits after a while. Night after fucking night, there he is, in the garden, digging holes, filling the holes in again. I wouldn't mind so much if he was actually burying stuff.

Sunday, 28 November 2010


The true cost of staging the London 2012 Summer Olympics was massively underestimated after then Olympics minister Tessa Jowell rashly employed Autechre to calculate the budget. The pair have no proven track record in administering international sporting events, although they are believed to have organised a raffle once.

On why she chose Autechre for the role, Jowell refuses to be pressed. If she's anything like me, she probably confused them with Deloitte.

Thursday, 25 November 2010

Francis Bacon

Great artists are often said to be blind to their own talents. In Francis Bacon's case, however, that was actually true! He thought he was doing lovely watercolours of haystacks and pretty little villages in the Cotswolds.

Monday, 22 November 2010

Daft Punk

So I'm sitting here, right here, like I usually do, right, when who should come in but Daft Punk! And they comes in, starts lording it about, you know what they're like. So I'm like, "oi! Daft Punk! Come over here. Come over here. I just want a word, it's alright, come over here." So they comes over, with that smug look all over their bodies. And I'm like, "right, you two, listen: now I don't want no trouble, I just want to set a few things straight. Firstly, I never done that thing with the hamster. That was some bollocks that was going round. And it was dealt with, right? So I don't want yous talking about that shit no more. Second, I don't give a fuck who you are, and neither does any other cunt in here. This is our place, right, and we get respect here, yeah? Good lads. Now sit down, don't cause any bother and you might be able to walk out of here at the end of the night. Are you hearing me? Good."

So they sits down, good as gold, we don't hear a peep out of them all night. Then guess what? Next fuckin morning, I goes out to get a fuckin paper. Front page, "Daft Punk: Richard Gere done that thing with the hamster, he telt us."

Fuckin livid, mate. If they ever come in here again I'll fuckin bend em.

Friday, 19 November 2010

Mervyn Peake

Mervyn Peake is the correct answer! You've won tonight's star prize...

Yes, indeed! Be sure to pack plenty of salad cream, Malcolm, because you're going on a sexual holiday for two in functional Cherbourg! After landing at Cherbourg's military airport, you'll be whisked away by tractor to a one-star hotel, where you'll be free to indulge your nasty side without attracting so much as a sideways glance! There isn't even a maid to bother you! This place is so filthy, you'll get diseases... Erotic diseases!

Ah, Malcolm, that's a great prize! We're all jealous! Next question's for you, Karen: when you said you couldn't love a man like me, would it would it would it make a difference if I changed? What would I have to change? Please, Karen, I'm hurting here.

Tuesday, 16 November 2010

Saturday, 13 November 2010

Alec Empire

Contrary to popular belief, Alec Empire actually is an empire! This state of affairs began coming into being in 1997, when he acquired down-on-his-luck rapper Snow, whose economic and military capability was limited by his failure to extend his own arsenal beyond Informer (by now a victim of its own success, so well known that it could easily be anticipated and preempted).

Anyway, then he done a bunch of other shit and now he lives in a bungalow with some cats.

Wednesday, 10 November 2010

Nick Cave

The Nick Cave Experience, Friday 12th November @ The Masons. Great line-up this month:

  • Nick cave goes to the shop to buy some cigarettes, but the shop is out of his usual brand. As it's the end of the month, money's tight, and so Nick's faced with the choice of either going for an even cheaper (and very much nastier) brand, or going to another shop. One complication: Nick has no cash on him, can't afford to draw out a tenner, and the nearest place that'll take Solo for less than £5 is almost a mile away.
  • Nick Cave's running late for work. To make matters worse, the bus is pulling in at every stop along the way. Should Nick stick it out and simply hope that the bus speeds up from here on in, or should he get off and hope to catch a faster one? It's almost 10 to 9, Nick - every second counts!
  • Nick Cave goes to the supermarket to buy a loaf, a pint of milk, some kitchen roll, some tomatoes and the latest issue of Psychologies. Problem! There isn't enough room in his rucksack for both the kitchen roll and the loaf, and Nick won't use a carrier bag just for one item. So which is it going to be, Nick? Choose wisely.
  • Nick Cave is cooking one of his favourite dishes for tea, and he's been looking forward to it all day. So you can imagine his annoyance upon reaching for the main ingredient (mildew slab)... only to find he's run out! He could try to make something else out of whatever he's already got on the go, but frankly he can't bothered. Takeaway, motherfucker. "Bad intestine, please. And an egg jelly."

There's been a lot of interest in this one, so turn up early to avoid disappointment. See you there.

Sunday, 7 November 2010

Stevie Wonder

Subject Improve longevity g1rth and payl0ad!
From James
Date 02/06/2009 15:13
To buzz

Stevie Wonder arrives to its uncle small farm for summer. After a lunch clearly of bread and the sottaceto, its cousins Sumpara takes it to during a turn guides the agricultural company. Sumpara is to tie in real tension. Wild guided from its hotpants many little ones and nearly transparent blouse, Stevie can't believes its fortune it leads when it in the granary and it begins to communicate indicative. Of situation the beginning really that they heat when begins to undress. She's that not door the panties. Stevie can't it contains the Taurus to infuriate itself that it strains the joints of its shorts and must blink it outside, to that Sumpara is fa

Thursday, 4 November 2010

William S Burroughs

William S Burroughs was made a Freeman of Bishop's Stortford in the year of our Lord 1986. He made full use of the privileges bestowed upon him, religiously eating the town's first-born until his unseemly death 11 years later.

Monday, 1 November 2010


Fuck Air. Lording it all over the place like they fucking run the show. Who the fuck do they think they are?

Friday, 29 October 2010

Germaine Greer

Germaine Greer incl keygen and crack!!!

Enjoy!! Pls seed.

gr8 torrent thx

How did you get it to see the 2nd cd? I cannot get past the installation. Dose this may be not work with vista?

PLEASE help!

hey great torrent! i got it to work no problem. works fine with Vista.

thanks, all works.

works great, thanks for sharing. any1 doesnt kknow just mount with daemon tools or magiciso and run setup. dont forget to copy the crack into the germaine greer folder before u run it.

hey! im a newbie on torrents and i cant ever install them so can some one plz take their time and tell me what to do

step by step plz. so it can work thanx!!!! plz help me out!!!

hey can some one help me i downloaded it but how do you install it im new to this so if some one colud help me i

would love it ty

No, doesnt work with Vista... Oh well...

oh my god u fucken n00bs

Tuesday, 26 October 2010

Chris Clark

Chris Clark was the voice of the bloke who played John Thaw's son in 1980s ITV sitcom Home To Roost.

Saturday, 23 October 2010

Tim Burton

Tim Burton has politely requested that all humans refer to him henceforth as Funkmaster Timmy B and the KP Snacks Jackin' Crew. In the event that any other primate species learns to communicate either verbally or using any other symbolic system recognisable to any race of homo sapiens, such primates may continue to designate him Tim Burton. All other species of life, on earth and in the wider universe, shall know him simply as Tim Burtc.

Thank you.

Wednesday, 20 October 2010


Mr Portishead 2007, Jason Herpes, works in his father's meat business, which he one day hopes to control. His favourite colour is grey and he says his ideal woman would be petite, blonde, and aware of her place. His favourite meal is meat and he enjoys listening to the early works of Nurse With Wound.

Sunday, 17 October 2010

Norman Mailer

Norman Mailer smiles serenely at a group of small children playing skiphoppenstab on the village green. "Did I ever tell you about my own childhood?" he says as he hands you a flask of brandy. "It happened in 1987. That year particularly lingers in the memory, because, you see, there was no 18th of April. We went to bed on the 17th, and when we awoke it was the 19th! Caught every single bally one of us by surprise, I can tell you! And no-one knows what happened to it. It simply disappeared... That was one of the things that contributed to Black Monday, don't you know? Of course, that didn't concern me. How could it? I was just a child. I had time only for trains and stamps. The endless push-and-pull of the money markets had no significance in my world. Mine was a world of innocence, and so it remained until a few months later, when it was shattered forever in that half-derelict Russian abattoir.

"But that's a story for another time. No, stock market crashes meant nothing to me, although I remember being somewhat aggrieved by the disappearance of April the 18th as that day was to be the 50th anniversary of motor insurance. For weeks, the whole village had been planning a big party. Delicate, exotic sweetmeats were created by the womenfolk, as were the gayest flags and banners I've ever seen... and there were to be costumes! Costumes so grand one would usually have to travel to the furthest reaches of the Empire to find! And, of course, my dear Molly... Oh, sweet Molly! As pale and fragile as a porcelain doll...

"Alas, it was not to be. Everything had to be taken to this very green and burned. But one cannot spend one's life in mourning for things lost. Even as a youth I realised that. You would do well to take heed, my boy! Your generation knows nothing of real suffering. I sometimes fancy that I shall one day take birch and blade to all of your behinds. You would thank me for it, once the scars faded...

"... Oh, damn my ancient brains! What was I talking about?"

What do you do?

If you choose to remind him and listen to the rest of the story, turn to 58

If you wish to fight Norman Mailer, turn to 9


Norman Mailer
Stamina 26
Skill 11

If you win the battle, turn to 67