Sunday, 28 November 2010

Autechre

The true cost of staging the London 2012 Summer Olympics was massively underestimated after then Olympics minister Tessa Jowell rashly employed Autechre to calculate the budget. The pair have no proven track record in administering international sporting events, although they are believed to have organised a raffle once.

On why she chose Autechre for the role, Jowell refuses to be pressed. If she's anything like me, she probably confused them with Deloitte.

Thursday, 25 November 2010

Francis Bacon

Great artists are often said to be blind to their own talents. In Francis Bacon's case, however, that was actually true! He thought he was doing lovely watercolours of haystacks and pretty little villages in the Cotswolds.

Monday, 22 November 2010

Daft Punk

So I'm sitting here, right here, like I usually do, right, when who should come in but Daft Punk! And they comes in, starts lording it about, you know what they're like. So I'm like, "oi! Daft Punk! Come over here. Come over here. I just want a word, it's alright, come over here." So they comes over, with that smug look all over their bodies. And I'm like, "right, you two, listen: now I don't want no trouble, I just want to set a few things straight. Firstly, I never done that thing with the hamster. That was some bollocks that was going round. And it was dealt with, right? So I don't want yous talking about that shit no more. Second, I don't give a fuck who you are, and neither does any other cunt in here. This is our place, right, and we get respect here, yeah? Good lads. Now sit down, don't cause any bother and you might be able to walk out of here at the end of the night. Are you hearing me? Good."

So they sits down, good as gold, we don't hear a peep out of them all night. Then guess what? Next fuckin morning, I goes out to get a fuckin paper. Front page, "Daft Punk: Richard Gere done that thing with the hamster, he telt us."

Fuckin livid, mate. If they ever come in here again I'll fuckin bend em.

Friday, 19 November 2010

Mervyn Peake

Mervyn Peake is the correct answer! You've won tonight's star prize...

Yes, indeed! Be sure to pack plenty of salad cream, Malcolm, because you're going on a sexual holiday for two in functional Cherbourg! After landing at Cherbourg's military airport, you'll be whisked away by tractor to a one-star hotel, where you'll be free to indulge your nasty side without attracting so much as a sideways glance! There isn't even a maid to bother you! This place is so filthy, you'll get diseases... Erotic diseases!

Ah, Malcolm, that's a great prize! We're all jealous! Next question's for you, Karen: when you said you couldn't love a man like me, would it would it would it make a difference if I changed? What would I have to change? Please, Karen, I'm hurting here.

Tuesday, 16 November 2010

Saturday, 13 November 2010

Alec Empire

Contrary to popular belief, Alec Empire actually is an empire! This state of affairs began coming into being in 1997, when he acquired down-on-his-luck rapper Snow, whose economic and military capability was limited by his failure to extend his own arsenal beyond Informer (by now a victim of its own success, so well known that it could easily be anticipated and preempted).

Anyway, then he done a bunch of other shit and now he lives in a bungalow with some cats.

Wednesday, 10 November 2010

Nick Cave

The Nick Cave Experience, Friday 12th November @ The Masons. Great line-up this month:

  • Nick cave goes to the shop to buy some cigarettes, but the shop is out of his usual brand. As it's the end of the month, money's tight, and so Nick's faced with the choice of either going for an even cheaper (and very much nastier) brand, or going to another shop. One complication: Nick has no cash on him, can't afford to draw out a tenner, and the nearest place that'll take Solo for less than £5 is almost a mile away.
  • Nick Cave's running late for work. To make matters worse, the bus is pulling in at every stop along the way. Should Nick stick it out and simply hope that the bus speeds up from here on in, or should he get off and hope to catch a faster one? It's almost 10 to 9, Nick - every second counts!
  • Nick Cave goes to the supermarket to buy a loaf, a pint of milk, some kitchen roll, some tomatoes and the latest issue of Psychologies. Problem! There isn't enough room in his rucksack for both the kitchen roll and the loaf, and Nick won't use a carrier bag just for one item. So which is it going to be, Nick? Choose wisely.
  • Nick Cave is cooking one of his favourite dishes for tea, and he's been looking forward to it all day. So you can imagine his annoyance upon reaching for the main ingredient (mildew slab)... only to find he's run out! He could try to make something else out of whatever he's already got on the go, but frankly he can't bothered. Takeaway, motherfucker. "Bad intestine, please. And an egg jelly."

There's been a lot of interest in this one, so turn up early to avoid disappointment. See you there.

Sunday, 7 November 2010

Stevie Wonder

Subject Improve longevity g1rth and payl0ad!
From James
Date 02/06/2009 15:13
To buzz

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Thursday, 4 November 2010

William S Burroughs

William S Burroughs was made a Freeman of Bishop's Stortford in the year of our Lord 1986. He made full use of the privileges bestowed upon him, religiously eating the town's first-born until his unseemly death 11 years later.

Monday, 1 November 2010

Air

Fuck Air. Lording it all over the place like they fucking run the show. Who the fuck do they think they are?