Tuesday, 28 December 2010

Neil Gaiman

Congratulations on purchasing Neil Gaiman Professional Molecular Redistribution Kit! With Neil Gaiman Professional Molecular Redistribution Kit you have the possibility to transform any object into the other object in minutes. Neil Gaiman Professional Molecular Redistribution Kit is effective to transform;

.. Cutlery!
.. Plough!
.. Statuette!
.. Crossbow!
.. Lamb!
.. Garden furniture!
.. Cravat!
.. Braised aubergine!
.. Hospital!
.. Central America!
.. And Many More!

After reading carefully the instructions; we hope you enjoy many happy hours in safe, responsible operation of Neil Gaiman Professional Molecular Redistribution Kit!

CAUTION! Do not use Neil Gaiman Professional Molecular Redistribution Kit on;

.X Weasel.
.X Oak.
.X Cravat.
.X Light particle.
.X Ghostbusters 2 DVD.
.X Own lips.

Not for use of evil, take over world, etc. For evil use please purchase Neil Gaiman Evil Molecular Redistribution Kit.

Wednesday, 22 December 2010

Beastie Boys

At Christmas, the Beastie Boys like to dress in dirty red rags, sneak into their local oprhanage late at night and whisper into the ears of the sleeping children: "farewell to joy..."

Sunday, 19 December 2010

MF DOOM

Imagine coming home from work one evening to find MF DOOM sprawled on your bed, oiled up and completely naked but for half a strawberry placed upon each nipple. You'd shit.

Thursday, 16 December 2010

Lars Von Trier

If you are unfortunate enough to be attacked by Lars Von Trier, the first thing to remember is not to panic. The second thing to remember is to punch him in the nose as hard as you can. Then he'll go away.

Or at least, that's what the tourist board of faded seaside town Scarborough ("the Emilio Estevez of the East Coast!") would like you to believe. The reality is, should you be attacked by an angry Lars Von Trier, you have only three seconds to live. If you're lucky. He'll probably toy with you for a few minutes before yanking your head from your shoulders so fast that you'll actually be able to watch your own death!

Monday, 13 December 2010

Miles Davis

All hail Miles Davis! Corruptor of Men! Eater of Sins! Lord of the Flesh! The time of his reign is nigh!

Friday, 10 December 2010

Scott Walker

Why has Scott Walker been so elusive for the past 30-some years? Why, because he's been busy in the kitchen, of course, perfecting recipes for his own line of instant noodles! When the brand is launched early next year, expect to see evergreen classics such as Spicy Curry, Tomato & Herb and Chilli Beef nestling up to more idiosyncratic concoctions like Jellied Haddock, Barbecue Insect and Oriental Junior. What a crazy guy!

"Why is he doing this?" says Strike Furter, CEO of PottWalker Ltd. "Simple. Mr Walker loves two things: instant noodle products, and quality.

"During the recording of Scott 4, he was rarely more than 6 feet away from a steaming bowl of noodles. On his last two records, Tilt and The Drift, Mr Walker pushed music to its limits with astonishing leaps of the imagination and a dogged pursuit of perfection.

"Now he wants to do the same for dehydrated snack foods."

Tuesday, 7 December 2010

Coldcut

I don't want you playing with Colduct ever again. They're a bad influence.

Saturday, 4 December 2010

David Cronenberg

Who is the real David Cronenberg? No-one knows. Some say he exists only as a name, a mantle passed on from father to son, that he may continue to strike fear into the hearts of generations; and that his evil is so strong that the worthiest of men, upon assuming his identity, will go on to visit upon the world horrors more terrible than did even those who preceded him.

Wednesday, 1 December 2010

Madlib

See, I got nothing against Madlib exactly. But all the midnight digging gets on your tits after a while. Night after fucking night, there he is, in the garden, digging holes, filling the holes in again. I wouldn't mind so much if he was actually burying stuff.