Sunday, 30 January 2011

Tricky

During his abortive stint as an actor, Tricky had a walk-on part in the first series of CBBC's The Story Of Tracy Beaker, which caused controversy on airing for being the first children's TV programme to feature full frontal nudity.

Thursday, 27 January 2011

Monday, 24 January 2011

The Coen Brothers

The Coen Brothers
(A Play in Two Directions)

Joel and Ethan are in the playroom

Joel This is the best day ever.
Ethan Our little kitten is dead...
Joel I'm so happy, I could squeal.
Ethan You motherfucker!
Joel Hey, where is he, anyway?
Ethan He's driving away...
Joel Jesus, we left the door open! He's gone out into the street!
Ethan Oh fuck, and that guy just ran over him!
Joel That fucker better not have killed our kitten...
Ethan I wouldn't worry about it.
Joel Jesus fucking shit, his little body is all mangled and bloody!
Ethan He's so cute.
Joel This is the worst day ever...
Ethan Our mom just gave us a little kitten.

Friday, 21 January 2011

Chris Cunningham

The story behind Chris Cunningham's tragic, early demise, back in 1998, is every bit as bleak, raw and jolting as his most challenging librettos. Indeed, the story had echoes of an unfinished work - This Infernal Machine Screeches Mad Poems That Drive Men Back To Mother - which was later found in his study by the executor of his estate, adding fuel to theories that his death, like his life, was itself a work of fiction.

Consider this segment:

Modem noises.
"Welcome to CompuServe."

He is in the machine.
In there,
In that machine.
He is in there,
Whilst I do my emails on the machine,
That man is in there,
Fucking my wife through the machine.

Dated months before his passing, these words eerily presaged the events which led up to it.

IT professional Alp Sturmund - later dubbed 'the love-rat hacker' - had embarked upon a peculiarly modern affair with Cunningham's wife Connie, using the celebrated librettist's computer as a conduit.

By hacking into Cunningham's computer, Sturmund was able to create a virtual link from his penis to Connie's vagina, and it was through this secret network that the two conducted their relations. Cunningham would complain that his computer was often slow and unresponsive late at night, and only discovered why when the affair was exposed by the News Of The World, which had itself hacked into his computer to find news.

Worse, it transpired that Connie, Sturmund and the News Of The World were not alone in Cunningham's computer. Word having spread through the global hacking community, the couple's hi-tech sexual exploits were attracting audiences of up to 6,000 'cyber-doggers' - some of whom occasionally even joined in.

Cunningham was understandably devastated, having only recently installed a new internet security package, which had failed to pick up on Sturmund's activities. A year's subscription had cost upwards of £40 - slightly more money in 1998 than it is now. Cunningham died on the spot.

Cunningham's son, Cunningham, was informed of his father's death on his mobile telephone as he made his way home by taxi from the theatre, having ingested a dangerous cocktail of alcohol. He was so shocked by the news that the driver crashed into a tree at low speed, causing the younger Cunningham to bite his tongue.

These disturbing events were first reported in the 2001 BBC Omnibus documentary, Hearing The Worst Possible News, As All News Is, And Hearing It While Drunk In The Back Of A Taxi.

I was that son, and this is that documentary.

Roll title sequence

Tuesday, 18 January 2011

Franz Kafka

Franz Kafka can't believe that shit, man! What is that, like, some fucking wizard shit or something? Fuck!

Saturday, 15 January 2011

Plaid

Oh, look what you done. Now Plaid's screams will echo forever through the forgotten, lonely recesses of your mind.

Clean it up.

Wednesday, 12 January 2011

Minnie Riperton

Minnie Riperton lives in a delicately carved wooden box that sits in a rotting armoir at one end of the dusty old attic of a tumbledown house set into the gnarled, slimy trunk of a giant oak tree in a dense, ancient forest on the edge of a tall slate cliff on a tiny, barren island in a dark, stormy sea on a cold, haunted planet in the space between two fermenting apples on a cracked plate on a rickety table in the dirty kitchen of the shattered skull of a dead giant decomposing on a polluted beach on the jagged coast of a mouldy slice of bread floating in a forgotten bowl of onion soup in a deserted restaurant on a windy street in a savage city in a grimy petri dish on a mossy work bench in the dark, damp laboratory of... Minnie Riperton!

Sunday, 9 January 2011

Terry Gilliam

Take each letter of Terry Gilliam's name and assign it a number based on its position in the alphabet (eg T=20, E=5, and so forth). Then add them together. So: 20+5+18+18+25+7+9+12+12+9+1+13=149.

Now we divide this by the number of letters in his name and round the result to the nearest integer: 149/12=12.4167=12. That's 12, as in the number of monkeys in the title of his film Twelve Monkeys.

A monkey is £500. So multiply 12 by 500, and you should get 6,000. If not, then you have made an error in your calculations and you'll have to start over.

Those of you still with us shall divide 6,000 by the number of its constituent figures (4).

You'll be astounded to see that you've made the number 1,500 appear out of thin air, as if by magic. It isn't magic, though - it's maths. And so is this: 0 isn't a real number, so get rid of it, both of it.

That leaves you with 15, right? Right? Am I right? Fifteen.

Rhymes with 'Mujahideen'.

Draw your own conclusions.

Thursday, 6 January 2011

Monday, 3 January 2011

Charles Mingus

Charles Mingus beats a face. He beats it. Beats it good. Tchok. Smack. Crack. Ker-splash. Uh-oh... Bone opens up on soft tissue. Brainfist.