Friday, 27 May 2011

Hubert Selby Jr

Hubert Selby Jr, you may recall, caused a stir back in 1997 when he guest-wrote a special episode of the long-running BBC sitcom Last Of The Summer Wine. The episode - Just One Fix, Cleggy - dealt with much weightier themes than viewers were used to, as Compo grappled with a debilitating addiction to heroin. With the central trio's usual madcap escapades suspended, we instead follow Compo as he hustles his way through a single, terrifying night amongst the dregs of Holmfirth's seedy underbelly.

And so familiar to us is this character that we share the keen sense of loss, helplessness and sheer bewilderment felt by Clegg and Foggy as they trail their companion on his odyssey of self-destruction, watching from the shadows as he's attacked by a local pimp after trying to turn tricks at the betting shop, getting into a vicious fight with another unfortunate over a 20p coin they've seen in a pool of vomit, masturbating in a bus shelter... It's difficult, demanding viewing - but well worth enduring, not least for its valuable glimpse of the emotional fallout of living with drug addiction.

The final, harrowing scene - in which a tearful, desperate Clegg, completely at his wits' end and at a loss for anything else to do, tries to drown his seemingly lost lifelong friend in a filthy toilet bowl, until Foggy arrives and intervenes at the crucial moment, then cradles the sobbing Clegg in his arms as the credits roll - left an indelible mark upon the memories of all who saw it.

Friday, 20 May 2011

John Kricfalusi


Norman Mailer falls down dead before you. Rifling through his pockets and manbag, you find a ripe Camembert (you may take this if you wish) and a well-thumbed copy of OK! magazine.

On the inside front cover, Mailer has written:

'John Kricfalusi 07853 778877'

Do you have the mobile telephone? If so, turn to 11. If not, your adventure ends here.


You dial the number, but the call goes directly to voicemail.

"Hi! You've reached the phone of John Kricfalusi. I can't pick up at the moment, but you can leave a message in my mailbox at the following address: John Kricfalusi, the Murmuring Tree, at the south end of Happy Spirit Lane, in the centre of the Big Forest..."

You hang up, and decide to make your way to Happy Spirit Lane immediately. Upon arrival, you quickly realise that Happy Spirit Lane is a misnomer: the spirits here are miserable. As you make your way down the lane, you become aware of a low rumble. The Murmuring Tree is in sight.

A piece of paper is stuck to Kricfalusi's door. It reads: 'To the milkman.' You take it and unfold it:

  • Quirky arrival
  • Unexpected shriek
  • Milk delivery
  • Meaninglessness

All of this behaviour has been observed on the last 5 of your 6 most recent visits. I will not tolerate it on my property. I have EVIDENCE!!!


You spin around. John Kricfalusi lunges towards you. A solitary, vibrating beam of sunlight has broken through the canopy, separating the two of you. Weak trickle of impotent energy, it cannot save you now. Kricfalusi passes through it with nary singe nor hiss. Something glints as he does so. This is all you see of the finely-honed blade that finishes you, plugging your stomach, though failing to stop the plapping red sicks of your life-force coughed up on to the ground. The world falls away until all is green, and the leaves now dancing before your eyes melt and fuse as if the sunlight has quadrupled its efforts. The rustle and the laughter and the murmur sink into a sea of white noise, a pure tone rising from its depths.

Now darkness.

Now silence.

Your adventure ends here.

Saturday, 14 May 2011


Calvin Harris presents his pick of this week's movies...

Something Existential Involving Edan
(dir. Auf Scheiße)

Hello! This film is one of those films that is about a real person and it has the person in it but it isn't really about the person. I like this film. I like the bit where Edan goes to the shop but then a burglar comes in but Edan talks to the burglar with the power of his voice and the burglar decides to stop being a burglar and then decides to become a mayor instead. I liked the taste of my popcorn when I was watching that bit. Sometimes I make things dead. I made a pig dead once. There's a pig in this film but it isn't dead which is good because I don't really like things to be dead even though I make them dead but I can't help it. Edan makes friends with the pig and they have adventures. I made friends with a person once but he wouldn't have adventures with me so I made him dead and then we had adventures but he was very heavy and he started to smell after a few days so I made him dead again with a big hammer and then I started to cry and then I started to laugh and then I wasn't sure if I was laughing or crying. And there's another bit where Edan has to fight some ghosts so he has a rap battle with them and he beats them and then they have to go back to the world of ghosts. I like that bit because I have to fight ghosts sometimes but they always win and then the darkness comes. Anyway this is a good film and I think you should all go and see it.

Friday, 6 May 2011

Tim Exile

Tim Exile
OMG LOLL You will not believe this but there is this app you can totally check out who is viewing your Profile! I have just look at my Top Viewers and I could not believe it told my EX is my T0P VIEWER. And my ex have been DEAD for like 6 YEARS!!! I can't handle that shit it's freakin me out man. Fuck. FUCK! It's fuckin bullshit man! THAT SHIT IS FUCKIN BULLSHIT! It's FUCKED UP! Click here!!! --->
6 minutes ago