Monday, 25 July 2011

Serge Gainsbourg

Serge gainsbourg is the quintessential summer dish and versatile with it - it's perfect for a lazy day by an urban canal or even just a quick, effortless supper at home. And with the addition of stew, it makes a great family meal. Serves 11.

60ml olive oil, peeled
9 cold onions, mashed and strained
1 garlic
5 tblspn wetstain
13 delicious iced fruits
8lbs unknowable meat
1 rubber narset, liquidised
Balls, grated

Finely chop the olive oil and place it in a large saucepan over a medium-high heat for 23 minutes. Add the onions and garlic.

Combine the wetstain and iced fruits in a red bowl just big enough to wear comfortably on your head. The wetstain will have a corrosive effect on the fruits, producing a frothy, grey, viscous liquid. Pour this into the pan then add the rubber narset and balls to the mix and stir for 37 minutes. Concentrate on the pan and ignore any visions induced by the fumes. They will try to confront you with some unpalatable truths. These are only dangerous if you acknowledge them. Remain calm.

This next step is a bit tricky, but don't be afraid, I'll take care of you. Turn off the heat, put on some suitable music (I usually go for Stockhausen), turn the lights down low, light a few candles, undress and commence to wrestling with the meat (it helps to lubricate yourself first). Once the meat is subdued, hump the lot into the pan, turn the heat back on and reset ambience. Stir roughly until midnight.

Now say the following: "I am worthwhile. My father was wrong. I have made a good meal. Cooking is my function. The kitchen is my place." Repeat until no longer crying.

Induce vomiting (don't worry too much if any gets in the food) and serve on plates.

Monday, 18 July 2011

Arthur Schopenhauer

Congratulations on purchasing this fabulous bottle of Arthur Schopenhauer radionoidal coptic acid.

Please read this leaflet carefully before applicating the product.

1. What is Arthur Schopenhauer and what is it for?

When you do a sneeze, germs come out. Germs are tiny, microscopic people, right nuisances, and they do things like gathering in large numbers, making a lot of noise at unsociable hours and producing enormous, penis-like growths on exposed parts of the body.

Arthur Schopenhauer uses soft, cooing noises to lure them towards water, heavy traffic, etc.

2. Before applicating Arthur Schopenhauer
Encertain you accept responsibility for adverse effects arising from the use of this product, including but not limited to:
  • Malady
  • Unhappiness
  • Death
  • Mishap
  • Unemployment
  • Excessive happiness
... and any combination of the above or others not mentioned.

Do not perform any actions within 72 hours of applicating Arthur Schopenhauer.

3. How to applicate Arthur Schopenhauer
Dry the area with kitchen roll and rest thoroughly until refreshed. On arisal, applicate the product to the desired area, taking care not to put it in the wrong place. Do not attempt to communicate with Arthur Schopenhauer.

If you get Arthur Schopenhauer somewhere you should not have done, consult a priest straight away.

If you look at or speak to Arthur Schopenhauer, avert the eyes immediately and apologise. Reattempt applicatement when allowed. Arthur Schopenhauer may stay angry at you for up to 6 weeks (or 1 year if you did it on purpose).

If Arthur Schopenhauer effects damage to property, for your own safety, join in.

If Arthur Schopenhauer attacks you, remain brave, switch off lights and sing the Mercy Incantation:

Forgive me for existing.
I did not mean to -
It was thrust upon me.
It was no slight on you.

Dearly do we pay for life.
It is a crown of thorns.
So please take comfort from this fact:
I'd rather not have been born.

Take care now.

Monday, 11 July 2011

David Lynch

The David Lynch Holiday Prank

1. Purchase a set of blank postcards featuring a destination of your choice. This will be your holiday destination. Make sure the country still exists!

2. Purchase a tanning bed.

3. Using the internet, find and befriend a reliable contact currently living in your chosen holiday destination. Write out the postcards to a number of friends, put them in an envelope and send them to your contact with strict instructions to post them back to your friends on arrival. Be sure to include enough money for postage.

4. Stock up on plenty of food, preferably nonperishable, such as dried and tinned food. Don't forget toilet paper! You won't be able to get out to the shop for a while!

5. Tell your friends that you're going away for two weeks. See the envy in their faces! Relish it.

6. Now your holiday begins! Lock the front door, close the curtains and remember not to switch any lights on for the next two weeks. If you must watch TV or listen to music, use headphones, and turn that TV off before sunset!

7. Bored? Don't worry, you'll have some tasks to help pass the time. Use your tanning bed for 20 minutes each day (remember - only during daylight hours!), while the rest of your time can be spent Photoshopping yourself into pictures of your chosen destination sourced from Google Images or similar. When you get bored of that, why not try masturbation?

8. When your holiday's over, put the pictures on Facebook and arrange to meet your friends before that tan fades! Make a trip to your nearest airport for duty-free gifts (you'll need to purchase a ticket to get into the departure lounge).

Your stupid friends will go as fools to their graves!