Monday, 22 August 2011

Hanif Kureishi

The Top 11 singles of Pop on this day in 1991!

10 Bless Miberven ... Fuck You, I'm Massive

09 Churm ... Weeing Up The Sun

08 Aleksandr Lazarević ... I'm In The Mood For Meat

07 Potsy Out-Tray ... Mm Tinkle, Slippery Flowerhorses

06 Monterfingers ... In You Get

05 Breakfast Welt ... Elvis' Shed Games

04 The Clooming ... Yarf (Kenny Dickhouse Club Mix)

03 Solders Grobag ... Chabo! Chabo! Chabo!

02 Blaat Collective ... Stab It Up Yomtime, Pisschild, Stab It Up, Go On There

01 Chod Parade ... His Slimy Things, Parts 3 & 7

And on this day in 1991, the Number 00 Pop disc was...

00 Hanif Kureishi ... She Lays Her Hand Gently On My Stomach And, Glowing, It Passes Through My Skin And Guts, Schlupping On Out Through My Back To Grab And Squeeze The Dirty Face Of A Small Boy Standing Behind Me (He Will Become Our Baby)

Monday, 15 August 2011


Fourth wall down.

Friends of Scurferens (I think I'm going to call you Scurfuriends) might like to know that I've done released a new EP, called Will This Do, and it's free to download from Valentine Records.

Fourth wall up.

Kool & The Gang

Ah, Malcolm... I'm afraid you've opened the wrong box there. You were looking for Kool & The Gang. Kool & The Gang were, in fact... in box 12.

You opened box 15, which I'm afraid contains mankind's 100 ungodliest, most perverse desires, desires to change your world forever, desires to curse your soul, desires of which none of us had ever conceived... until now. Which is great luck for some of us, but hard luck for you, Malcolm. I'm sorry to say you missed out on the big money tonight.

But you won't be going home empty-handed. Sure, you've still got your sexual holiday in Cherbourg, and £42 to spend on whatever you like. Hey, you'll come back and play again some time, won't you? Fantastic. Thanks for playing Brainial Vorpungh, Malcolm, you've been a great contestant.

OK fellas, take him away and have him invalidated.

Monday, 8 August 2011

Bret Easton Ellis

Cheap Grimy Phone Sex - Unfurl And Milk Yourself Over Our Hot Pre-Recorded Stories For Just 10p/min!

Hot teen couple with power imbalance. Listen to him weep after failing to satisfy her!
0982 000 0001

Your cold, clammy touch makes my skin shriek.
0982 000 0002

Boyfriend watches me fuck Bret Easton Ellis. But before long, his eyes, tearing slightly, are fixed elsewhere, gazing into the middle distance, through the wall, as if trying to project him from this cold, shabby room, twilit in the pale midwinter sun filtered through the half-shut blinds. Bret doesn't seem that into it, either. Maybe we weren't ready for this.
0982 000 0003

FETISH: I've been in the bushes, flapping my meat to a pathetic lardy dribble like a dirty little boy. Hear me punch myself repeatedly in the face as the initial rush of endorphins subsides, yielding to the scorpion sting of shame. Why do I keep doing this?
0982 000 0004

Our sex was hot and wild! Now it's joyless and mechanical! Where once was a giddy, hedonistic swirl of unfettered lust, now there is nothing more than muted friction as his cock, never fully erect, fumbles aimlessly inside my numbing pussy like the soft, stubby finger of a fat clown...
0982 000 0005

I'm leaving you.
0982 000 0006

Monday, 1 August 2011

Janelle Monáe

Janelle Monáe's pro fishing tips.

There's an old Georgian saying: it is better to have piss up your arse than shit on your cock. This is why I always use live bait out there in the fishing arena, particularly in contest situations. It's more intelligent than artificial bait, and you don't have to worry about it malfunctioning.

Fish are aspirational creatures, but are also intimidated by anything much more successful than them, so you need to pick your bait carefully. Don't be an idiot, get to know the waters you're going to fish in. What are you, an amateur?

Put the bait right on to the hook. You need to make absolutely certain that it's secure, because if it falls off, it's useless. There needs to be contact between you and the fish in order for you to reel it in, and this is what the rod provides. But the bait has to be connected to the rod for the fish to be connected to you. You want a solid, unbroken line of objects from the mouth of the fish to the hands of you. They should all be your own objects. Natural features of the environment won't do, they have their own agenda and can't be trusted.

Look, basically, the way it works is: there's you, then there's the rod, and the rod has the line on it, and the hook is on the end of the line and the bait is on the hook, and the bait and the hook go in the water. Then the fish swims up and tries to eat the bait. Now, what happens there is, you start spinning the wheel next to the handle on your rod (I can't remember whether it's clockwise or anti-clockwise), and what that does is, it starts to pull the fish towards you. I don't really understand how it works, it's something to do with physics, but that's how you get the fish.

So if the bait isn't attached to the hook, then the fish just eats it and swims away. What's the point of that? Look, it's gone. Bloody waste of good bait, that. Are you gonna pay for that?

Go on, fuck off, I'm sick of the sight of you.

Go on with you.