with Exam Master Jay
We all know what's going to happen in June. That history exam will be just days away and you'll be freaking out because you've spent the whole of your study leave wanking on acid. But hey - it's cool, G! It's cool. Exam Master Jay understands. He's down.
With GCSE Bitesize, we'll have you up to speed in no time. So come on, gang, let's just chillax and we'll breeze through this bad mother. Hey, why don't we do it all in our underwear? You know, just to loosen up the vibe and shit. It's no big deal, right?
Now, the most important thing to remember about history is that there are no right or wrong answers, so don't worry. The entire history of our world as we understand it could be a complete lie for all we know. All we have to go on are the waffle of historians and whatever documents have survived the ravages of time and the purges of dominant powers.
It's often said - usually by drab, uninteresting people - that history is written by the victor. But in the twisting and shimmying of global politics, such things are rarely so clear-cut. What if there is no outright winner? What if both sides go home declaring victory, each accusing the other's pronouncements as spin or revisionism? Two histories are written, oh noes! Which do we believe? And Christ alone knows how many twigs will sprout from these two distinct branches, flowering and spitting seeds over the topsoil of time. Before you know it, there are trees all over the fucking place and you're confused and hopelessly lost, trapped in a forest of conflicting testimony!
And no-one even thinks to mention those tiny, seemingly insignificant accidents of fate which conspire to direct the course of events. The earache that rendered an experienced and highly regarded lieutenant oblivious to his comrades' efforts to alert him to the appearance of a sniper in a nearby window. Or the losses at the card table which inspired in one soldier a rage so fearsome it brought down eight of his opponents in a single battle.
If there's any justice (and I'm not saying there is, so don't you dare hold me accountable for what might happen if you should act on the following advice), you'll get an A* just for writing: "history is bullshit; a convenient narrative distilled from the Gordian complexities of reality to support academics' hypotheses and their governing ideologies. There is no such thing as truth. Fuck the Queen."
Now you just go and groove on through those exams. You'll groove on straight to Passville. And if any of you tells anyone about this, I will fucking damage you. Okay?